Walking into the lobby of our agency was a bit of a blur. Seated on the couch were a man and woman holding the sweetest month-old baby boy. I remember shaking hands and the counselors stepping in to guide the introductions. In those first few moments I had to will myself not to look at Sterling- my mind knew that there was a chance that circumstances could still change, and my heart knew that I had to be fully present only for his birthmother. She deserved and needed all of me, in this moment in time.
In what seems strange to admit, my nerves all fell away within a couple minutes of sitting down. My love, concern and focus on this woman before me was all that mattered. I was ready to fully show her who I was and felt prepared to authentically answer any question she might have. I have never been more present or fully engaged in the moment, as I was during that hour of my life. Nothing else that was happening in the world outside of these four walls seemed to matter.
For approximately the next sixty minutes we sat and listened and took turns carefully answering questions. We started with small talk- where we each lived and what we did… and after only a minute or two of this, we shifted to the important stuff really fast. After all, this was a heavy situation and we needed to use the time we had to talk about the things that mattered most.
The first main question they had for us, was what our views were on gay marriage. To some people this may seem random, or even not a relevant question for an infant- but to me it was everything. Without hesitation, or fear of which way they wanted my answer to be, I started in. On our way home Ryan would ask me how I knew that my response was going to be well-received and how I had answered so honestly without fear of them potentially not feeling the same way. The truth? Call it a women’s intuition, but I knew in that instant from that one simple but loaded question, that this birth mama needed to know that I would love her son just as he was, and for whomever he would turn out to be in life. With this one question, I felt deeply in my heart that this was an incredibly fortunate match and that Sterling was going to get to grow up with all the various parents in his life, valuing many of the same things.
Much of our discussion that night was learning about everything his birthmother had discovered about him in their month together. During our conversation, she tended to his needs and cared for him with such love and ease that my heart both felt immense relief at what incredible care he had been under, and deep sorrow at the hard decision she was having to make. She asked us if we had thought about names and we carefully said we had, but also let her know that we wished to honor her desires in this area. She told us the story about how she had carefully chosen his first name from a character in Greek mythology and what that figure stood for. His middle name- Jude, was from the Beatles song that had played in the hospital room shortly after his delivery. I lifted back my sleeve to carefully reveal my one and only tattoo- the word “imagine” in reference to my favorite song by John Lennon. We also mentioned that that was a middle name we had considered before, as one of my favorite people in the entire world was my grandmother, Judy. Again, I was struck with the power of being matched up and selected with this particular birthmother and how right it felt. She graciously told us that she was OK with us changing his name and she wanted us to have that chance. Ryan and I looked at each other and instantly suggested combining names. We asked her to pick which of the two Sterling would ultimately keep and which we would choose for him. She asked us to keep Jude, and my heart once again swelled with the power of this moment.
And then suddenly it was time for the next step. The truth of the matter being that there is no amount of time or conversation sufficient to adequately cover everything that would do justice to the complexity and intensity of creating an adoption plan. And with that, a deep and profound respect and trust was created with someone we had only known for an hour. It is hard to know ultimate trust, until you have to do so in the hands of a stranger.
We were led into a back office where we stayed for another hour and a half while paperwork was signed and an openness agreement was drafted. Ryan and I used this time to scribble the various names we had chosen on paper and go back and forth with which one felt right. We texted our family and updated them on what was happening and frantically sent them to the only store still open at this point in the night for the specialty lactose-free formula which we had since learned he was using. The openness and communication agreement was brought back to us to review and sign and right as we were beginning to get nervous about the amount of time that had passed, and to wonder if maybe she had changed her mind, one of the counselors came back and told us everything was complete and it was time.
I have never experienced a more profound, heart-wrenching, and powerful point in time, as I was about to. Sterling was placed into my arms and I forced myself to look deep into the eyes of someone whose world was upending, and to verbally promise them with everything that I was, that I would provide the best life in my power to their child, and love him with all of my heart. As I sit here now and write this, large, heavy tears stream down both cheeks. There are no words that I can ever write or express to do justice to what that moment was like.
And now, two years later… my love and gratitude for a stranger’s choice and trust in u,s grows deeper by the day. Sterling is the reason that our entire fertility journey makes sense. Our bodies, hearts, and souls were simply waiting to get to parent him. He is our everything, and he will always grow up knowing how loved he is by all three of his parents. We are tremendously grateful for his birth mother’s steady presence in our lives and for her support of us as parents. Our hearts are so grateful that Sterling will get to grow up having a relationship with this incredible human being. As his birth and adoptive parents, our relationship too has steadily grown and strengthened over time and Ryan and I both feel lucky to get to have to her in our lives.
Sterling Jude, your start in life may have been slightly different from others… but it was a beginning of deep and profound love, sacrifice and intentional choice. You have not one, but three parents who love you with all that we are and are committed to you having the best life we can possibly provide for you. This mama is overwhelmed each and every day at what an incredible blessing, joy and privilege it is to get to be by your side and I can’t wait to continue sharing and celebrating your beautiful and unique story with you.